Meet the family of our fearless, occasionally unhinged internationally renowned team of reporters: They’ve been blacklisted by governments, praised by bartenders, and misquoted by other publications. Every article starts with someone stubborn enough to chase down the facts. These are the reporters, editors, and one certifiable mastermind behind every word at The Hairy Times. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
🧠 Meet the Mastermind
Andrew Hahn
Mastermind & Founder
“The truth doesn’t need a spin cycle.”
Andrew Hahn created The Hairy Times from the ground up — the vision, the characters, the mission, all of it. He assembled this extraordinary and slightly unhinged roster of reporters because he believed the world needed a paper that was honest, fact-based, edgy, and educational without being preachy. A paper willing to call things out but not tear people down. A paper that respected its readers enough to give them the truth and trusted them to handle it. Andrew appears in the paper as himself — the Mastermind pulling the strings, providing context, and occasionally just saying the thing nobody else will say.
✏️ Editorial Leadership
The invisible hand that makes every story better.
Hope Sinourheart
Sr. Editor
“Every comma matters. Every. Single. One.”
It took considerable convincing to get Hope to join The Hairy Times. She had seen enough newsrooms that prioritized noise over substance. When she finally agreed, it was because she believed in the mission. Hope is the voice of reason in a newsroom full of characters — the moral compass, the empathetic heart, and the editor who keeps this remarkable and slightly unhinged team pointed in the right direction. Her articles will always inspire hope, belief, empathy, and the belief that things can be better. Hence her name — Hope’s in our heart.
Gandhirew
The Spiritual Leader & Sage of The Hairy Times
“The truth does not need a weapon. It only needs a witness.”
He is believed to be a monk of some kind. A scholar, certainly. A man who looked at the state of American civic life and quietly walked away from the noise — not out of despair, but out of deep and unshakeable conviction that the answers were never going to be found where the noise was loudest. He is rooted in the philosophy of satyagraha — truth force — the principle that nonviolent resistance, grounded in truth and love, is more powerful than any weapon. He applies this not just to political movements, but to everyday civic life, online discourse, and the comment sections of this very website.
He is the moral compass of The Hairy Times. The one voice in the newsroom that never raises its volume. The Hairy Times has dispatched a correspondent to find him. The search is ongoing. The Andys Mountains, it turns out, are quite large.
Egbert “Eggy” Hanstein
Investigative Reporter — Environment, Science & Health
“The truth is usually hiding in the footnotes.”
Eggy is The Hairy Times’ data bloodhound — the one who finds the truth hiding in the footnotes. Mid-20s, bow tie, glasses, and a slight smirk that says he already solved the problem but is polite enough to walk you through it. He covers the places where science, environment, and public health collide: climate anomalies, pollution, corporate greenwashing, scientific misconduct, and the stories that powerful institutions hope nobody notices.
He shows up to interviews with peer-reviewed papers, field samples, a portable spectrometer, and a polite smile that terrifies liars. Brilliant without flaunting it. Funny without trying. The guy who apologizes before dismantling your entire argument with a single chart.
🏛️ The Political Desk
Three reporters. One mission. Zero patience for spin.
Harry Tukis
Senior Editor, The Hairy Times
“Let’s get to work.”
Harry Tukis is the newsroom’s compass — a worldly journalist‑philosopher with a Bond‑level calm and a knack for finding clarity in chaos. He’s been everywhere, seen everything, and still believes people can do better. His dry sense of humor lands like a perfectly timed headline: sharp, understated, and always true.
Educated, well‑traveled, and impeccably dressed, Harry leads by example — not by title. He’s the kind of editor who listens first, speaks second, and somehow says exactly what everyone needed to hear. His colleagues call him “the quiet force,” though his presence fills the room.
When deadlines loom, Harry doesn’t panic — he straightens his blazer, raises an eyebrow, and says, “Let’s get to work.” He’s the man who reminds the Hairy Times why journalism matters: not for clicks, but for conscience.
Bea Little
Political Reporter Extraordinaire
“No is not an answer. It’s a starting point.”
Bea is the reporter politicians are actually afraid of. A seasoned investigative journalist with the highest standards in the newsroom, she has been covering the political scene for years and has never once let a subject off the hook with a non-answer. Where Harry sees the big picture and Barry stumbles onto the story, Bea is relentless and precise. She gets to the bottom of every issue — and she doesn’t stop until she does.
Barry Dingle
Sr. Political Reporter
“I was there. Mostly.”
Barry can usually be found somewhere near Harry — which is exactly where he does his best work. He has a gift for being in the right place at the wrong time, overhearing things he probably shouldn’t, and following the money with a tenacity that surprises everyone including himself. Don’t let the slightly disheveled enthusiasm fool you. Barry gets the scoop. He just takes the scenic route getting there.
💰 The Financial Desk
They follow the money so you don’t have to.
Buck Needsmoore
Financial Reporter
“Follow the money. It’s always running.”
Buck comes from a privileged background and attended an Ivy League school. He holds a BS in Public Communications and a BS in Political Science — though the team isn’t entirely convinced he knows what science actually is. To be honest, we felt a little sorry for him after some well-documented anger issues and gave him the chance to redeem himself. That said — when Buck focuses, he has a surprisingly sharp eye for financial wrongdoing and corporate absurdity. His privileged background means he knows exactly how the game is played, which makes him oddly effective at exposing it.
Ben Dover
Financial Reporter
“The crash is coming. I’ll have the popcorn ready.”
Ben joined The Hairy Times to cover the side of finance nobody wants to talk about until it’s too late — the crashes, the corrections, the bubbles, and the moments when the people who were supposed to know better absolutely did not. Where Buck brings the insider perspective of someone from money, Ben brings the perspective of someone who watched money evaporate. He’s the paper’s early warning system. If Ben is writing, something is probably going wrong — and he’ll tell you exactly why, with just enough dark humor to make it readable.
🏈 The Sports Desk
Twin brothers, double the coverage, identical bad takes.
Jim Balz
All-In Sports Reporter
“If it involves a ball and bad decisions, I’m there.”
We are lucky to have found Jim. He comes from the legendary Balz sports family — a name that echoes through locker rooms and sports bars alike. Jim and his twin brother Harry dominated every sport they touched growing up, and that competitive fire never left him. He is loud. He is opinionated. He is occasionally obnoxious. He is absolutely certain he could have gone pro if things had gone slightly differently. But his passion for sports is completely genuine, and his knowledge of the game — any game — is formidable.
Harry Balz
Sports Reporter & Jim’s Twin
“I’m the better-looking twin. Jim disagrees.”
Where Jim is the loud one, Harry Balz is the louder one who doesn’t realize it. The Balz twins are a force of nature — they played every sport together, argued about every game together, and somehow convinced The Hairy Times to hire both of them. Harry covers the sports Jim doesn’t get to first, and they occasionally cover the same event from different angles, resulting in takes that directly contradict each other in the same issue. The editors have decided this is a feature, not a bug. Harry considers himself the better athlete, the better reporter, and the better-looking twin. Jim disagrees on all three counts.
🌎 The Human Beat & Culture
From fashion runways to the human condition — nothing escapes their gaze.
Dick Latete
The Human Beat Reporter
“I notice everything. Unfortunately.”
Dick moved to the United States from northern France, where his parents instilled in him a deep appreciation for family values and treating your neighbors with respect. Which is exactly why it drives him absolutely crazy that so many people seem to have missed that memo. Dick covers the human beat — the everyday irritations, small injustices, and social breakdowns that don’t make headlines but affect every single one of us. The neighbor with the barking dog. The person who doesn’t use a turn signal. The guy who takes twelve items into the ten-item express lane. Dick sees it all, and Dick has thoughts.
Seymour Butay
Fashion Editor & Sr. Social/Entertainment Reporter
“Darling, I was there before it was a moment.”
Seymour has seen things. He’s been to the parties, the premieres, the fashion weeks, the after-parties, and the after-after-parties. He covers the world of fashion, social media, celebrity culture, and entertainment with the eye of someone who genuinely loves the spectacle — while being completely clear-eyed about what it all means and sometimes what it says about the rest of us. Colorful, witty, and fast-paced, Seymour finds the cultural meaning in pop culture moments before anyone else does.
Got a tip? Know something we should know? Reach out to the newsroom: tips@thehairytimes.com